Moloch Steps in the Poopy

Moloch Steps in the Poopy by Written4Children

Story Summary: A psychotic War Angel and remorseless Demon try to find a way to continue on in the aftermath of a genocidal war between their two factions. There are also Shit Eating Unicorns who do indeed live up to their name. Best part of the story if you ask me. Best part.

Copyright, Copyright, Copyright, Copyright, Copyright, Copyright, Copyright, Copyright.

Author’s Note: Originally this was just some dumb crackfic that unintentionally ended up with a plot. So don’t be too surprised if you find that the most significant character comes across as the inbred lovechild of Jar Jar Binks and his crack whore sister.

Chapter One: Closet Angel

“It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair.”

A small stick figure dressed in two dimensional animal skins is kneeling in a sparsely detailed frozen alleyway faceing the corner. It’s a girl with black inky seaweed like hair and bloody snow circling her. From behind her it can be seen that she is alternating between physically pulling clumps of her own hair out along with quite a bit of skin and cutting something from her face with some kind of sharp item. Every now and then with the help of this makeshift blade and her hands she pulls free something bloody and meaty and drops it on the ground beside her while ceaselessly chanting “It in da face and it in da hair. It in da face and it in da hair.”

Somewhere much more 3D a morbidly obese middle aged couple is in their reinforce bed trying to get some sleep.

Little Girl: “Mummy, Daddy.”

A little girl passing by an excessive number of magic eye posters on both the walls and ceiling is running down the hallway to their bedroom. She bursts through their bedroom door and climes up onto the bed.

Little Girl: “The girl with the big teeth who lives in my closet is being mean again daddy.”

The mother returns her daughter to her nitelight bathed bedroom and proceeds to check in her closet to show the daughter that there is nothing to be afraid of.

The mother waddles back to her room and mumbles to her half asleep husband “And this is the third night in a row.”

The little girl heres someone under her bed clear their throat.

A young grey skinned girl with a green gear permanently lodged in the upper right of her shaven skull and a damaged ear that looks like a rat has been chewing on it and black and white spirals in place of pupils and irises slides out on her back from under the little girl’s bed like a mechanic who has been working on a car. This strange girl's name is Guro. However the little girl is distracted from these details by Guro’s complete lack of lips showing off her gums and three rows of sharpened teeth, causing Guro, to look unavoidably sinister.

Guro: “Hay kid.”

Guro, gets up and licks the little girl’s face from bottom to top. Guro’s purple tongue doesn’t look like a tongue at all. It’s longer than it should be and covered in purple suction cups perfectly resembling the tentacle of an octopus in design as well as its size and shape in proportion to the rest of Guro’s body. There is the sound of popping as Guro’s tongue leaves circular marks on the little girl’s face. Printed on Guro’s shirt which is encrusted with patches of dirt, drying blood and semen are the words “GRAVITY IS A LIE.” Hanging from her neck is a hessian doll with mismatched button eyes supported by some string.

Guro: “Don’t do dat again.”

Guro, is holding a bottle of drain cleaner. Love2 HateU is tattooed on her knuckles.

Guro: “Kid yeah in needing to grow some bigger meaty sperm factories between chew underfed armpits.”

Guro, holds her hands palms up and performs a squeezing motion. Just above her thumb on her right hand is what appears to be three old raised burn scars resembling the number six hundred and sixteen. Likely the result of a branding iron.

Little Girl, in a trembling voice.

Little Girl: “But… I’m a girl…”

Guro, looks at the little girl with her head to the side as if she had just said the most insane thing in the world.

Guro: “Dat's no excuse. Besides Izzz ain’t no monster. Izzz da Guro, chew friendly personal guardian angel. But chew can call me Guro, for extra height and wind resistance. Remember chew should to always trust people whose names are beginning with Da. It like da law or some such. Not dat Izzz a people exacting. Chew and me, we gonna be real close friends. Real good and friendly like chew see.”

Guro, gives her a pat on the head.

Guro: “Like something made O both marble and cheese. Like some kindness Marble Cheese or Cheese Marble if chew will.”

The little girl, speaks with a little less fear in her voice this time.

Little Girl: “Really yore an angel? Then how you’d end up here? Aren’t angels supposed to live in never neverland?”

Guro, rolls her eyes.

Guro: “Sure kid. We live in cock sucking gumdrop palaces with da Shit Eating Unicorns.”

Guro, picks some flesh from her teeth with her fingernail.

Guro: “As to how Izzz got here.”

The mysterious goblin like creature leaps onto the little girl pinning her to the ground with a hand over her mouth to prevent her from screaming which she still does to some muffled extent. Still restraining her Guro, pushes her face so close to hers that they are almost touching and whispers as her spiral eyes begin to rotate.

Guro: “He gunner eat chew soul chew know dat right?”

A rusty beat up van is speeding through a dry and rocky landscape made of not much more than light blue dirt and dark blue (rectangler) stones ranging in size from pebbles to skyscrapers scattered across the land.  

Guro, minus the hessian doll is on the roof of a dilapidated structure the side of which reeds in large chipped and faded lettering “The happy bean.” Below which is the faded picture of a happy smiling anamorphic coffee bean. Guro, looking into a cracked hand held mirror humms Piano Man while sharpening her teeth with a piece of flint. Threaded through Guro’s left ear is a pin pulld from a grenade. Printed on her shirt are the words “EAT THE RICH.”

An albino pig wearing a red baseball cap stalks a tumbleweed by the buildings exterior. Branded on its ass are the same numbers as those to have been branded on Guro’s hand.

Meanwhile there are several sinister looking men with identical tattoos of a bloody, skinless hound urinating on a dead fish, uncomfortably squeezed into the back of the van. All of them are armed with AK-47s. In the very back of the van there is a large man wearing a straitjacket, weighed down by chains, inside a cage, head concealed by a burlap sack. Through the smallest of holes in the burlap he passively watches a fly crawling around just outside of the cage.  

Guro, has finished with the flint and is now staring at an orange pill bottle in one of her hands with contemned. The multi colored pills inside the bottle crawl around over one another with the use of hundreds of hair thin legs. On the bottle’s label someone has crossed out the printed word “Clozapine” and written the word “Candy” under it with black marker. She pops two of the wiggleing pills into her mouth and washes them down with the last of her whiskey.

The van is closing in on the pig which is too preoccupied with the roleing weed to notice.

Guro, calmly puts down the bottles and picks up a relatively small speargun.

A spear goes through the van’s front window and into the face of the driver. The result is chaos. The van swerves and rolls just missing the pig. The van comes to a stop on its side.

The cage is now badly damaged and empty. Nobody notices.

What appears to be the only survivors of the crash one fat, one thin crawl out from the wreckage and take cover behind the van. They are focused on the only nearby structure in the area.

The previously occupied roof is now vacant.

What appears to be the only survivors of the crash are still focused on the only nearby structure in the area. The thin man heres a noise and turns to see a pickaxe lodged in the back of the fat man’s head. It’s the man from the cage, his face still concealed by the burlap sack.

A fourth surviving passenger of the van is now entering the only nearby structure. It seems that they had already started moving before the others had gotten out of the van. He is momentarily distracted at the sound of gunshots in the distance. Something jumps onto his back from the ceiling like an acrobatic spider. Only with two limbs instead of eight being that it’s Guro, and she has no legs. Not even stumps. Guro, snaps his neck like a twig and acrobatically jumps off him before his body hits the ground.

Guro, looks over her shoulder and whispers.

Guro: “Dat’s what Izzz tells chew. Now get off me back and let a bitch actively engage in employment opportunities.”

Guro, turns her head again and spits in the dead man’s face.

The man from the cage is rummaging through the van looking for something. He finds a welding mask and a doll with mismatched button eyes connected to a piece of string.

Guro, is back hiding on the ceiling. She hears someone coming.

It’s the man from the cage now wearing the doll necklace and welding mask while holding a bloody pick axe.

When she sees him she screams with excitement “Scum Fuck” and drops down onto him. He is not remotely startled or surprised. She holds him tight. Both to hug him and to keep herself suspended at his eye level. He makes no move to hug her back but places an arm under her to help support her weight while never loosening his grip on the pickaxe in his other hand.

Guro: “Hay Lifeless, hows about next time Izzz be da damsel and chew do da rescuing for a dash O change. K man.”

Guro, punches Lifeless, in the shoulder.

Guro: “Subverting clichés gets old.”

Back in the little girl’s bedroom.

Little Girl: “Yore just a fibber.”

Guro: “How chew figure?”

Little Girl: “You said that you didn’t have any legs. But you have legs. I can see them. They’re right there attached to your feet.”

The little girl is remarkably calm for someone who was only a moment ago assaulted by a closet monster.

Guro: “Now chew splitting Opilione legs.”

Guro, happily swings her legs which are hanging over the edge of the bed. On Guro’s left foot is an old virtually rotting faded purple and white sneaker with untied laces. On Guro’s right foot is an even more decrepit combat boot its stability only maintained by a thin chain wrapped around it at various intervals.

Guro: “Day sure do enjoyment it down dare.”

Guro, goes very quiet all of a sudden, gets off the bed and walks out of the room. A minute later Guro, returns with a tin of spam and a tube of toothpaste.

Guro: “Izzz don’t know. Chew, chewy guess as good as mine. But never better or equal. Me sidekick could has explanation da whole electrical compensation thingy or whatever Da Place We Burn Our Garbage it called more adequateness. It kind O similar but not quite when chew run an a-bomb missal on kerosene.”

Little Girl: “I thought only superheroes could have sidekicks.”

Guro: “And Chew be right.”

Guro, dramatically stands up on the bed and stretches her arm out diagonally towards the sealing.

Guro: “Hear me. Izzz am Guro. Queen O love, peace, mercy, friendship and subverting da truth in me flavor.”

Pause.

Little Girl: “Doesn’t sound very heroic.”

Guro, takes a moment to give the little girl a long hard serious stare.

Guro: “All in context kid whose face shouldn’t be. Here Izzz finish da story and think chew has improved idea.”

Guro’s eyes resume rotating.

Lifeless, is walking through the wasteland with Guro, on his back. Around Guro’s neck is a necklace comprising of a piece of string and several human ears. None of which had been present before the recent conflict. Guro, has a skateboard strapped to her back and a backpack with a speargun sticking out. Her arms are wrapped around Lifeless’s upper front. Trailing behind is the same small pig from earlier.

As Lifeless, is walking through the wasteland Guro, is continuously and systematically visually scanning the entire landscape while nibbleing on one of her ears. Lifeless, is still carrying the pick axe and wearing the welding mask. Lifeless, walks past an old wall that was once part of a building. There are many wanted posters for Guro, and Lifeless, referring to them as The Witch, and The Beast, offering large rewards. Lifeless, doesn't stop.

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